Check out all the majesty.
Check out all the majesty.
Let me start with this: Jurassic World was never going to surpass the experience of seeing the original Jurassic Park in the theater in 1993 for me. It was the first time we saw real dinosaurs on screen (well, real-ish… more real than the stiff, plodding dinosaurs of movies past.) Jurassic Park‘s dinosaurs were smart, fast, felt like real animals, and they were brought to life in a way we’d never seen before. Yes, it was chock full of scientific inaccuracies, but that hardly mattered to the dinosaur-lover inside of me… I was Alan Grant, tearing up at the majesty and magic of the creatures, just as Hammond intended.

So Jurassic World was never going to be that. But it was also never going to disappoint me… I already knew there was a gang of velociraptors rolling with Chris Pratt on a motorcycle. And that was every bit as awesome as I anticipated… in fact all of dino-action was FANTASTIC. From the pastoral grandeur of the roaming herds of herbivores to the over-the-top, kick-ass climactic fight scene, Jurassic World DELIVERED. And seeing the park taken to the logical conclusion was satisfying, as were all the winks to the fans and nods to the original film. I loved it. I loved every minute of that stuff. I laughed with childish glee. If you’re at all hesitating, it is ABSOLUTELY worth seeing this in the theater, because the magnitude and action are the best things about the film.

That being said, literally every female character in this film is an eye-rolling stereotype or a prop. I mean, it’s not like anyone is well-written, but it’s particularly egregious with the women. This movie couldn’t be any more male-point-of-view. The main female character, Claire (Bryce Dallas Howard) is a lazy 1980s cardboard cutout of a corporate ice queen who doesn’t know how to have fun and is completely out of touch with her environment. Also probably she wants babies because every human female wants babies. Judy Greer—as Claire’s sister and the boys’ mother—was criminally underused. She has a weird melt-down at one point that’s completely unsupported by the plot, and also she’s sure her sister wants babies. The other female cast members include the older son Zach’s girlfriend (prop); Zara, Claire’s assistant (prop); Vivian, from the control room, who refuses the advances of her co-worker but also cries alot (I know people had just been eaten, but none of the dudes are crying!); and all the girls Zach looks at (also props).

The 22-year-old Jurassic Park was infinitely more feminist. In that film we only had two female characters but they were both solid. Dr. Ellie Sattler (Laura Dern) is a badass, she’s clearly respected in her field, she’s not afraid to call people out, and she doesn’t burst into tears at every possible turn. Lex (Ariana Richards) was actually an improvement from the novel… sure she’s not thrilled about the outdoors, but it seems to do more with her being a computer geek (sorry, hacker) than a girl. And she helps save the day on more than one occasion… she distracts the raptors in the kitchen, and she knows the “Unix system.” Weirdly, even the female raptors in the original film were better written: they were calculating clever girls, whereas Blue and her gang take orders from a man. They couldn’t even write the female dinosaurs correctly!

This all makes it sound like I hated the film, but I honestly didn’t… it was everything you want and expect from a dinosaur-fueled thrill ride. In conclusion, I give Jurassic World 10/10 Barbasol Cans for awesome dinosaur action and nostalgia, but only 7/10 White Suits for mild sexism and exhausting tropes.

And now for some spoilers:

  • How awesome was that last fight scene?! T-Rex plus Indominus Rex plus Velociraptor plus Mosasaur?!?! THE BEST.
  • I seriously assumed the mom (Judy Greer) was purposefully manipulating her sister (Bryce Dallas Howard) when she BURST INTO TEARS instead of getting angry that the sister was leaving the kids to their own devices. IT WAS SO WEIRD. Like, I know they mention that the parents are getting divorced, but there is literally nothing to indicate that she is suffering from such extreme emotional distress that bursting into tears is an appropriate or logical response in that moment.
  • This Vulture post nails the sexism and this one from The Mary Sue discusses the “mother problem.”
  • Apparently Bryce Dallas Howard was the one who insisted on wearing heels throughout the film.
  • Also, it’s completely unbelievable that Claire and Owen end up together… they have zero chemistry. How do you have zero chemistry with Chris Pratt? I literally groaned aloud when he grabbed her and kissed her.
  • Here are some scientists reviewing Jurassic World.
  • Here’s every Easter egg and reference in Jurassic World.
  • Dr. Henry Wu (B.D. Wong) is clearly going to star in the next film in the franchise, and I’m very excited about that. Also I loved his evil black turtle-neck and his evil tea-drinking.
  • With all the talk of weaponizing dinosaurs I think there is a solid chance that the discarded concept art for Jurassic World could be revived for the next film. Dino-human hybrids!!!!
  • FOR REAL HOW CRAZY AWESOME WAS THAT LAST FIGHT SCENE?!